We’re still doing pretty well here mentally and emotionally with my recurrence and my treatments. We are so thankful to the Lord that everything is going so well and that chemo seems to be doing its job.

The only new (and annoying) thing is I am struggling with mouth sores, which is quite common for those going through chemo. Chemo kills the bad stuff and the good so that has caused the departure of good cells in my mouth that keep it free from sores and such. So a bit icky but I would appreciate any prayers on this front! I am trying to get a prescription filled for “magic mouthwash” –ha!– to help reduce the pain and discomfort. Hopefully that will help.

On another front, I look forward to more time with the Lord to learn what he wants to say. Things have been quite crazy on other fronts so I have not had quality time with the Lord. I would really like to spend some good time like I did 3 years during that cancer battle where I learned so much from Him. I don’t want to miss anything that the Lord would want to say.

Love to you and yours!
Sara

Happy New Year!  We had an incredible Christmas in Naples, Florida, with Chris’ side of the family.  It was a huge blessing to be all together, to enjoy many fun activities outside, and to simply enjoy the weather and unique vegetation.  Thank you, Don and Susan, for this great gift!

We start this new year with hearts that feel incredibly calm, peaceful and hopeful.  This episode with cancer differs so greatly than the last go-around three years ago.  I am so grateful to be protected from the feeling of fear and never-ending thoughts about cancer.  I do not feel fearful and do not think about my cancer often.  Amazing!  Thank you, Lord, for guarding my heart and for the prayers of many.

We also feel hopeful because we can see the chemo working.  My neck and upper back pain that originally drew my attention to the area is now gone, the rash that I had in the area is also gone (we didn’t and don’t know if this was cancer-related), and the two little bumps in my neck are smaller.  Hooray!  I see my oncologist on Monday, the 3rd to determine if she will keep me on these chemos.  I think she will be pleased and am hoping that I stay on these two since they would allow me to keep my hair.

So we are grateful to report all of this good news.  On another note, Chris and I will be taking a three-day intensive seminary course (I am auditing the class) at RTS on the doctrine of suffering taught by a Wheaton professor who is in a wheelchair.  The reading so far has been excellent and thought-provoking.  We are both really excited to learn more about this topic.  This course comes at an interesting time.  God has used these cancer battles tremendously to give us a greater understanding of Himself, His kingdom and some of his unwanted gifts.  We have a lot more to learn.

We are grateful for you and feel the Lord has put many at our side.  What a gift!

Love,

Sara

My oncologist has chosen to treat my cancer recurrence with two different chemos: Doxil and Navelbine (for you medical folks).  We were glad to learn these two chemos do not tend to have huge side effects.  But since chemo affects everyone differently, we’ll just have to see how my body responds.  I will also be given wonder-drug Herceptin since I am indeed HER2 positive.  I am excited that these two chemos to do not cause hair loss — yippee!  But … if the cancer does not respond as my oncologist wants it to, she will change my chemo drugs to ones that do cause hair loss.  So we are praying that this trifecta of powerful drugs do the job.  If you could pray that my cancer cells are super active so that the chemo can find them and DESTROY THEM! (that’s how chemo works — by finding rapidly dividing cells and killing them).

I am feeling mostly relieved to be starting to fight this beast (but also a little bit sad).  I have not been sleeping as well because of some pain in my neck and shoulder that could be related to where the cancer is located — on the side of my neck.

I also would ask that you pray that I would be willing to stay still while God has me in this wilderness and not try to get out from under his thumb, so to speak.  I know he has some important things to say and I want to hear what’s on his mind.  I’ve been asking him to keep “showing up” in my life every day.  I need to be willing for him to show up in any way that he chooses and not be bound to the way or ways I would expect him to.  So pray that I would have eyes to “see Jesus” each day and be thankful for the ways he shows me he’s present.

Thank you for your prayers and for walking with us!

Love, Sara

This week we’re busy getting ready for next week’s chemo on the 15th.  I had my second biopsy done today so they could see if I am HER2 positive (they need to know this before adding wonder drug Herceptin to my treatment plan).  Tomorrow (Wednesday) I have a medi-port put back in so that the chemotherapy can be administered safely and easily through that port.  And then we learn on Friday what exactly my treatment regimen will be from my oncologist.

Now that the brass tacks of the cancer stuff are stated, here’s how were doing internally:

We’re feeling calm in the midst of the storm.  I have always loved that word picture and it perfectly describes how we’re doing.  When the news first broke late last week that I was going to start chemo soon, I felt gripped by sadness.  It felt like I was underwater and was struggling to see or hear anything from the Lord.  I kept asking him to show up somehow.  I spent a good amount of time driving around Saturday due to lots of children activities.  I was still feeling under water with sadness, and suddenly a flip was switched, so to speak.  I no longer felt sadness had a grip on my heart.  Usually when a change like that happens, it’s because of a special song or a sermon, but this was just out of the blue and very sudden.  Quite wild.  And since then I have felt at peace.  So while I am still mentally sad and bummed out about the return of cancer and the reality of starting chemo next week, my heart feels calm and at peace.  I know this is not from me (only because I know myself too well) and is only the Lord’s firm grasp on my heart and the gift of a new disposition.  I am grateful for this gift.

Thank you for walking with us on this journey.  We appreciate your friendship and your prayers.

With affection,
Sara

This is likely my last post.  If you’ve been checking in, sorry I haven’t kept up since my last day of radiation in October.  Writing posts here reminds me of having cancer so haven’t felt like keeping it up.  Plus, since I am now in remission, it seems like we are moving past this precious resource.  The Lord continues to teach us so much about his character and purposes and we are grateful for that.

In short, we are doing well and enjoying 2009 so far.  We are happy to leave 2008 in the past and move forward with hope and expectation as to what the Lord has planned for us this year.

We continue to be amazed at how much this blog has blessed us and kept us tied into the body of Christ.  We cherish your friendship and faithfulness to us.  Thank you for your prayers and encouragement.  Feel free to e-mail or call to stay in contact.

With affection,

Sara & Chris

I just finished radiation today after 5 1/2 weeks of daily treatments! That brings 8 months of major treatments (chemo and radiation) to an end. It’s a bit of a presumption, but the doc tells me I can start talking about cancer in the past tense now—remission, survivor, cancer free and all that. It’s quite fun! Today is such a huge milestone that it’s hard to take it all in. I’m sure it will take a while. While I don’t feel any different physically, it’s quite a change emotionally and mentally.

I’m not done with all the drugs … I will continue to be treated with miracle-drug Herceptin until Spring 2009. I will also take osteoperosis drug Zometa as part of the bone trial I am in for another 3 years. And I will at some point start Tamoxifen, which interrupts the production of hormones, for 5 years. I am so thankful for the opportunity to take these amazing drugs. Lastly, I will have my final reconstruction surgery maybe in a month or so (I see my plastic surgeon in a week to schedule all of that).

I am so grateful to have made it through radiation without having to have surgery because of the hole in my incision (for all of you who have been keeping up on the gory details). God has been so faithful. Christ has been so present. He has provided so abundantly in so many categories. To him be glory!

I look forward to continuing to become the woman God intends me to be. Cancer has changed me. I wish change didn’t have to come this way, but I am grateful for what I have learned so far (I have a lot more to learn still). I look forward to more time with my family, less doctor appointments, getting my energy back, days filled with hope, and receiving my first haircut! I have a lot to look forward to …

THANK YOU for your prayers and for keeping up with us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love, Sara

But Adam and Eve chose life outside of the palace by choosing their own path. They decided to try living independently. However, the life of joy and peace is one that is utterly dependent on God. We just don’t like that, we want to be autonomous, self-sufficient. But if we are to look more like Christ, we have to live dependent upon the Father, and that includes suffering. Big changes in our lives often take place in the crucible of suffering. But suffering was not part of God’s original creation. It exists because of human choice. Learning this made me a lot less angry with God.

It is through the crucible of suffering that we can change and slowly become more beautiful and more like the people we were intended to be. I heard a story once about an interaction between Mother Teresa and one of the people she served who had lived a life of suffering. She told him that his afflictions were kisses from Jesus. His retort: “Could you tell Jesus to stop kissing me so much?” I feel a bit like this man this year. Suffering ain’t fun and it isn’t something we would choose. But is it effective? Yes, it is. I wonder what this year would have been like if I wasn’t diagnosed with cancer. I am quite grateful for Christ’s close presence, the reality of who he is and what he has done. I’m grateful for God’s stunning provision for us and showing me that I can trust him. I wouldn’t trade those precious jewels that I received through suffering. I knew a little about these things beforehand but now they go so much deeper. I have a lot more to learn. If you are suffering too, don’t waste your suffering. If you are like me, my goals are often just to get through the day so that it is behind me, but God has so much more in mind for these days of hardship. May God have his way with us so that we turn into the people we were meant to be, people who are joyful and satisfied with our place in God’s family (we are his beloved!)

In other news … I am a little bit past the half-way point in radiation, which is quite cool that the end to the major treatments is just two-and-a-half weeks away (if I don’t have to go into surgery before I finish). I started the bone trial last week and was assigned the drug Zometa. This is an osteopeorosis drug in the Bisphosphonates family and is being tested to see if it can help prevent recurrence in the bones for breast cancer patients. It is administered intravenously every 4 weeks for the first 6 months and then every 3 months for the next 2 1/2 years. I am quite grateful to have access to such cutting-edge drugs. Also, a little prayer request: I have had a twitch in my left eye for nearly 2 months now. The doctors say it could be stress related and might very well be around for a while and then go away. I am very aware of this little annoyance and I need God’s help to get through it, or it would be great if he took it away! Lastly, Chris’ folks are here for 3 weeks and have been quite busy taking care of the kids and with house projects. God provides!

Love, Sara

I have made it just fine through my second week of radiation, which means I am a third of the way done. Hooray! I am tired but I think it’s just having three kids and life with cancer and not yet the effects of radiation. Hard to say.

My hair is getting down right “long” — I have just about an inch these days. It’s great to have my own hair back. It’s still quite curly but this time I have some gray hair mixed in with my old light brown color. My hair is not quite a cool doo yet but I’ll take what I can get. I can’t wait for my first haircut!

Love, Sara

The children celebrated my new hair by adorning me with bows.

Birthday #2 for our G-girl.

Henri Nowen writes how important it is to spend time with the Lord in solitude as “it’s the place in which you can listen to the voice of the One who calls you the beloved. … Wherever you have gone, whatever you have done, and whatever people say about you, you are my beloved. I hold you safe in my embrace. I touch you. I hold you safe under my wings. You can come home to me whose name is Compassionate, whose name is Love.”

He goes on say that if we aren’t hearing and knowing that we are God’s beloved then “you will run around begging for affirmation, for praise, for success. And then you’re not free.”

When I don’t understand or live like I am Christ’s beloved, I am a walking gaping hole that seeks to vacuum in praise, affirmation or anything that will make me whole. It’s painful and downright annoying to not be whole, which is why we spend so much time trying to figure out how to be satisfied. But we are meant to be whole, to be satisfied. Our creator says, only I can make you whole, only my living water can fill you up and satisfy your thirst. It’s amazing what a difference it makes when I preach to myself: I am his beloved. When I do, I am filled and become less dependent on what others can give me because I already have what I need. I look less to my husband to be my god, less to my children, my friends, my schedule or to do list to fill me.

If you are in Christ, then you are his beloved too. May this reality change how we live and feel.

In other news … my first week of radiation is done. So far so good. It’s still a bit wild to think of medicine as coming from a gigantic machine that zaps you daily. My incision hole is actually worse but all the doctors want to keep marching forward with radiation to see if I can make it through these next 4 1/2 weeks without surgery. I am a bit emotionally worn out and so I could use prayers for perseverance. Thankfully, I can turn to Christ each day for strength. I would prefer to get my strength in monthly or yearly installments, but the Lord only promises to give us what we need for that day, while promising that He’ll also be there tomorrow with tomorrow’s allotment. As always, thanks for checking in!

Love, Sara

I have recently had a couple of pre-radiation appointments to get ready for next week’s start of treatment (Sept. 22), and I had NO idea that receiving tattoos was part of the gig. I now have 4 small tattoo dots on my chest so that they can line up the radiation machine properly (should I have asked for smiley faces or flowers instead?). I suppose I am fine with these additions but, my goodness, how odd to now be a woman who technically has 5 tattoos! Does that mean that we should start watching one of those tattoo shows on TLC? Am I now a member of some type of tattoo club? Will high school students now think that I’m really cool? Too funny and also too weird.

My prayer for radiation is not only that it will be effective, but that the holes along my incision will hold up so that I can get through treatment without surgery, which would delay and alter the radiation schedule. My oncologist said that radiation might even help the holes and create scabs. Oh boy do I want scabs — nice big ones! Cancer sure does change what you hope and pray for at times. Sorry to be gross but please pray that those holes scab over nicely!

You’re sweet for reading up on the latest and perhaps even praying for such a weird thing for me. Thank you!

Love, Sara