Wrapping up the blog

Dear friends –

This is likely my last post.  If you’ve been checking in, sorry I haven’t kept up since my last day of radiation in October.  Writing posts here reminds me of having cancer so haven’t felt like keeping it up.  Plus, since I am now in remission, it seems like we are moving past this precious resource.  The Lord continues to teach us so much about his character and purposes and we are grateful for that.

In short, we are doing well and enjoying 2009 so far.  We are happy to leave 2008 in the past and move forward with hope and expectation as to what the Lord has planned for us this year.

We continue to be amazed at how much this blog has blessed us and kept us tied into the body of Christ.  We cherish your friendship and faithfulness to us.  Thank you for your prayers and encouragement.  Feel free to e-mail or call to stay in contact.

With affection,

Sara & Chris

Thoughts on suffering

Oh boy, what a topic. I am quite a novice on this topic and I know I have a lot more to learn. But one of my biggest “aha!” moments came earlier this year as I was pondering suffering and how hard it is to understand that God often chooses it to accomplish his goals in his followers. But there was a time without suffering, when things didn’t have to be this way. Suffering comes from the Fall, not from the Garden of Eden. It was there that God invited us to live in sweet fellowship with our Creator, forever. It was life in the King’s palace.

But Adam and Eve chose life outside of the palace by choosing their own path. They decided to try living independently. However, the life of joy and peace is one that is utterly dependent on God. We just don’t like that, we want to be autonomous, self-sufficient. But if we are to look more like Christ, we have to live dependent upon the Father, and that includes suffering. Big changes in our lives often take place in the crucible of suffering. But suffering was not part of God’s original creation. It exists because of human choice. Learning this made me a lot less angry with God.

It is through the crucible of suffering that we can change and slowly become more beautiful and more like the people we were intended to be. I heard a story once about an interaction between Mother Teresa and one of the people she served who had lived a life of suffering. She told him that his afflictions were kisses from Jesus. His retort: “Could you tell Jesus to stop kissing me so much?” I feel a bit like this man this year. Suffering ain’t fun and it isn’t something we would choose. But is it effective? Yes, it is. I wonder what this year would have been like if I wasn’t diagnosed with cancer. I am quite grateful for Christ’s close presence, the reality of who he is and what he has done. I’m grateful for God’s stunning provision for us and showing me that I can trust him. I wouldn’t trade those precious jewels that I received through suffering. I knew a little about these things beforehand but now they go so much deeper. I have a lot more to learn. If you are suffering too, don’t waste your suffering. If you are like me, my goals are often just to get through the day so that it is behind me, but God has so much more in mind for these days of hardship. May God have his way with us so that we turn into the people we were meant to be, people who are joyful and satisfied with our place in God’s family (we are his beloved!)

In other news … I am a little bit past the half-way point in radiation, which is quite cool that the end to the major treatments is just two-and-a-half weeks away (if I don’t have to go into surgery before I finish). I started the bone trial last week and was assigned the drug Zometa. This is an osteopeorosis drug in the Bisphosphonates family and is being tested to see if it can help prevent recurrence in the bones for breast cancer patients. It is administered intravenously every 4 weeks for the first 6 months and then every 3 months for the next 2 1/2 years. I am quite grateful to have access to such cutting-edge drugs. Also, a little prayer request: I have had a twitch in my left eye for nearly 2 months now. The doctors say it could be stress related and might very well be around for a while and then go away. I am very aware of this little annoyance and I need God’s help to get through it, or it would be great if he took it away! Lastly, Chris’ folks are here for 3 weeks and have been quite busy taking care of the kids and with house projects. God provides!

Love, Sara

You are my beloved

I grew up in the church and have heard all my life that the Lord loves me — and if I just understood that, it would really change my every day life. I think I struggle knowing this truth deep down. Part of the problem is familiarity breeds indifference. Have I heard that too many times that it can’t penetrate the way that it should? Also, the fact that God loves us because of Christ is quite hard to believe. Lately, the Lord has used the word beloved to hit a home run. Isn’t that a beautiful word? For me, it penetrates down deep.

Henri Nowen writes how important it is to spend time with the Lord in solitude as “it’s the place in which you can listen to the voice of the One who calls you the beloved. … Wherever you have gone, whatever you have done, and whatever people say about you, you are my beloved. I hold you safe in my embrace. I touch you. I hold you safe under my wings. You can come home to me whose name is Compassionate, whose name is Love.”

He goes on say that if we aren’t hearing and knowing that we are God’s beloved then “you will run around begging for affirmation, for praise, for success. And then you’re not free.”

When I don’t understand or live like I am Christ’s beloved, I am a walking gaping hole that seeks to vacuum in praise, affirmation or anything that will make me whole. It’s painful and downright annoying to not be whole, which is why we spend so much time trying to figure out how to be satisfied. But we are meant to be whole, to be satisfied. Our creator says, only I can make you whole, only my living water can fill you up and satisfy your thirst. It’s amazing what a difference it makes when I preach to myself: I am his beloved. When I do, I am filled and become less dependent on what others can give me because I already have what I need. I look less to my husband to be my god, less to my children, my friends, my schedule or to do list to fill me.

If you are in Christ, then you are his beloved too. May this reality change how we live and feel.

In other news … my first week of radiation is done. So far so good. It’s still a bit wild to think of medicine as coming from a gigantic machine that zaps you daily. My incision hole is actually worse but all the doctors want to keep marching forward with radiation to see if I can make it through these next 4 1/2 weeks without surgery. I am a bit emotionally worn out and so I could use prayers for perseverance. Thankfully, I can turn to Christ each day for strength. I would prefer to get my strength in monthly or yearly installments, but the Lord only promises to give us what we need for that day, while promising that He’ll also be there tomorrow with tomorrow’s allotment. As always, thanks for checking in!

Love, Sara

4 new tattoos

When I was in college I always wanted a Jesus fish ixthus tattoo on my heel. My mom forbade me to do it. However, one day when I was a junior, my friends descended on my apartment declaring it was the day to get our tattoos. I have never regreted my decision since.

I have recently had a couple of pre-radiation appointments to get ready for next week’s start of treatment (Sept. 22), and I had NO idea that receiving tattoos was part of the gig. I now have 4 small tattoo dots on my chest so that they can line up the radiation machine properly (should I have asked for smiley faces or flowers instead?). I suppose I am fine with these additions but, my goodness, how odd to now be a woman who technically has 5 tattoos! Does that mean that we should start watching one of those tattoo shows on TLC? Am I now a member of some type of tattoo club? Will high school students now think that I’m really cool? Too funny and also too weird.

My prayer for radiation is not only that it will be effective, but that the holes along my incision will hold up so that I can get through treatment without surgery, which would delay and alter the radiation schedule. My oncologist said that radiation might even help the holes and create scabs. Oh boy do I want scabs — nice big ones! Cancer sure does change what you hope and pray for at times. Sorry to be gross but please pray that those holes scab over nicely!

You’re sweet for reading up on the latest and perhaps even praying for such a weird thing for me. Thank you!

Love, Sara

Radiation begins September 22nd

Hey gang –

It’s been a huge week of doctor appointments (5 in 10 days) and getting ready for the next phase of treatments, namely radiation.  It’s also been a big emotional week of change with the potential risks of my next treatments and all the changes that are happening this fall (Lucy and Chris started school this week).

I got the nod from my radiation oncologist and plastic surgeon that my six-week, every-day radiation schedule will begin on the 22nd.  That doesn’t mean that I am out the woods yet with the openings on my incision from my old June surgery, however.  I am grateful that we will be able to begin somewhat on time but there is a chance that my holes will open up more during radiation.  If my expander (put in when I had my mastectomy) starts to show through the holes during radiation I will have to go into surgery to have it taken out so my wound can heal properly.  That would be quite a bummer.  So one of my prayer requests is that these holes would hold up during radiation so that I can make it through the six weeks without surgery.

I am also trying to get into a 3-year bone trial that uses a group of osteoperosis drugs as a preventive measure against future recurrence (breast cancer most often recurs as bone cancer).  It’s a really positive, promising and exciting trial.  I hope be a part of this trial but I have to have a thorough dental exam (Monday) so I can get in.  I also am praying for the Lord’s input on this one as there is a low risk but pretty awful side effect involving your jaw that comes with being in the trial.  Since I seem have a lot of health issues for my age, I am starting to pay attention to these “low risk” health risks.  It’s scary at times.

We desire to drink deeply from Christ and not our own strength to get through these next few miles this fall (Chris also has a lot going on and currently is enrolled in two seminary classes).  Although I have never run a marathon, I feel like we are are mile marker 20 physically, emotionally and spiritually.  We have hit the end of our human strength and need to draw 100% from Christ’s resources.   He is the vine and we are the branches.

Thanks for your prayers and your on-going encouragement and support!  We have needed you far more than we had expected at the beginning of this process!

Love, Sara

Chemo is done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hooray, hooray, hooray!!  I finished my last chemo today!  More soon on what is to come. … But in short, I start radiation in September and I will be on miracle drug Herceptin (administered through my port) until Spring 2009.  We are so overjoyed to pass this huge mile marker.  Thanks for your prayers, encouragement and love, and as always, thanks for checking in with us.

Love, Sara

Summer blessings, treatment update and a prayer request

We have had a great few weeks and are enjoying the summer. It has gone a lot better than I thought it would (energy wise) and I have had a lot of good time with the children, Chris and dear friends. At the end of July, we had a great visit with my parents and sister’s family in Fredericksburg, VA. The children thoroughly enjoyed their cousins and daily time at the pool. Also, I joyfully turned 38 last week (it was great to turn the page on a difficult 37th year). Lastly, we really enjoyed attending my 20th-year high school reunion this past weekend. The Lord has done some really cool things in the lives of some of my classmates. It was neat to hear their stories and to connect with others that I didn’t know very well. I felt the Lord’s leading in several conversations and that was so cool.

Here’s the latest on my treatment schedule: My last chemo will be August 25th and I am terribly excited about this date. I will begin radiation in mid-September for 6 weeks. I will soon pursue trying to get into a promising medical trial using osteoperosis drugs to protect your bones (breast cancer most often recurs as bone cancer). Lastly, I will continue to receive Herceptin (a miracle drug) treatment through early spring 2009. More to come!

So here’s my prayer request: Some of you may remember that I had a minor surgery back in June. Because I am on chemo, my incision still has not yet healed. The final stitches were just removed last week and the incision is beginning to open further. It has been a bit disconcerting to have an open hole (or two) in your skin for the past 3 months. Not only am I tiring of caring for it so meticulously, but I don’t want this to delay the beginning of my radiation. Radiation tends to begin 3 weeks after your last chemo. While they are willing to wait one more additional week for it to heal, they won’t wait any longer. Would you please pray that my incision heals completely soon so that I can begin radiation on time? For those who have been praying for my ability to sleep — thank you! — I have had much improved sleep in the past 2 weeks. As always, thank you for your prayers, encouragement and commitment to us!

Love, Sara