You are my beloved

I grew up in the church and have heard all my life that the Lord loves me — and if I just understood that, it would really change my every day life. I think I struggle knowing this truth deep down. Part of the problem is familiarity breeds indifference. Have I heard that too many times that it can’t penetrate the way that it should? Also, the fact that God loves us because of Christ is quite hard to believe. Lately, the Lord has used the word beloved to hit a home run. Isn’t that a beautiful word? For me, it penetrates down deep.

Henri Nowen writes how important it is to spend time with the Lord in solitude as “it’s the place in which you can listen to the voice of the One who calls you the beloved. … Wherever you have gone, whatever you have done, and whatever people say about you, you are my beloved. I hold you safe in my embrace. I touch you. I hold you safe under my wings. You can come home to me whose name is Compassionate, whose name is Love.”

He goes on say that if we aren’t hearing and knowing that we are God’s beloved then “you will run around begging for affirmation, for praise, for success. And then you’re not free.”

When I don’t understand or live like I am Christ’s beloved, I am a walking gaping hole that seeks to vacuum in praise, affirmation or anything that will make me whole. It’s painful and downright annoying to not be whole, which is why we spend so much time trying to figure out how to be satisfied. But we are meant to be whole, to be satisfied. Our creator says, only I can make you whole, only my living water can fill you up and satisfy your thirst. It’s amazing what a difference it makes when I preach to myself: I am his beloved. When I do, I am filled and become less dependent on what others can give me because I already have what I need. I look less to my husband to be my god, less to my children, my friends, my schedule or to do list to fill me.

If you are in Christ, then you are his beloved too. May this reality change how we live and feel.

In other news … my first week of radiation is done. So far so good. It’s still a bit wild to think of medicine as coming from a gigantic machine that zaps you daily. My incision hole is actually worse but all the doctors want to keep marching forward with radiation to see if I can make it through these next 4 1/2 weeks without surgery. I am a bit emotionally worn out and so I could use prayers for perseverance. Thankfully, I can turn to Christ each day for strength. I would prefer to get my strength in monthly or yearly installments, but the Lord only promises to give us what we need for that day, while promising that He’ll also be there tomorrow with tomorrow’s allotment. As always, thanks for checking in!

Love, Sara

4 new tattoos

When I was in college I always wanted a Jesus fish ixthus tattoo on my heel. My mom forbade me to do it. However, one day when I was a junior, my friends descended on my apartment declaring it was the day to get our tattoos. I have never regreted my decision since.

I have recently had a couple of pre-radiation appointments to get ready for next week’s start of treatment (Sept. 22), and I had NO idea that receiving tattoos was part of the gig. I now have 4 small tattoo dots on my chest so that they can line up the radiation machine properly (should I have asked for smiley faces or flowers instead?). I suppose I am fine with these additions but, my goodness, how odd to now be a woman who technically has 5 tattoos! Does that mean that we should start watching one of those tattoo shows on TLC? Am I now a member of some type of tattoo club? Will high school students now think that I’m really cool? Too funny and also too weird.

My prayer for radiation is not only that it will be effective, but that the holes along my incision will hold up so that I can get through treatment without surgery, which would delay and alter the radiation schedule. My oncologist said that radiation might even help the holes and create scabs. Oh boy do I want scabs — nice big ones! Cancer sure does change what you hope and pray for at times. Sorry to be gross but please pray that those holes scab over nicely!

You’re sweet for reading up on the latest and perhaps even praying for such a weird thing for me. Thank you!

Love, Sara

Radiation begins September 22nd

Hey gang –

It’s been a huge week of doctor appointments (5 in 10 days) and getting ready for the next phase of treatments, namely radiation.  It’s also been a big emotional week of change with the potential risks of my next treatments and all the changes that are happening this fall (Lucy and Chris started school this week).

I got the nod from my radiation oncologist and plastic surgeon that my six-week, every-day radiation schedule will begin on the 22nd.  That doesn’t mean that I am out the woods yet with the openings on my incision from my old June surgery, however.  I am grateful that we will be able to begin somewhat on time but there is a chance that my holes will open up more during radiation.  If my expander (put in when I had my mastectomy) starts to show through the holes during radiation I will have to go into surgery to have it taken out so my wound can heal properly.  That would be quite a bummer.  So one of my prayer requests is that these holes would hold up during radiation so that I can make it through the six weeks without surgery.

I am also trying to get into a 3-year bone trial that uses a group of osteoperosis drugs as a preventive measure against future recurrence (breast cancer most often recurs as bone cancer).  It’s a really positive, promising and exciting trial.  I hope be a part of this trial but I have to have a thorough dental exam (Monday) so I can get in.  I also am praying for the Lord’s input on this one as there is a low risk but pretty awful side effect involving your jaw that comes with being in the trial.  Since I seem have a lot of health issues for my age, I am starting to pay attention to these “low risk” health risks.  It’s scary at times.

We desire to drink deeply from Christ and not our own strength to get through these next few miles this fall (Chris also has a lot going on and currently is enrolled in two seminary classes).  Although I have never run a marathon, I feel like we are are mile marker 20 physically, emotionally and spiritually.  We have hit the end of our human strength and need to draw 100% from Christ’s resources.   He is the vine and we are the branches.

Thanks for your prayers and your on-going encouragement and support!  We have needed you far more than we had expected at the beginning of this process!

Love, Sara

The question of God’s goodness

I have wrestled with this question a good bit this year, and I imagine you have as well during times of your life.

We were just given two great gifts. Yesterday, for a few hours we wondered if our son had diabetes (I am a diabetic). I spent a few hours wrestling with God and shaking my fist in a don’t-you-dare-do-this-to-us-this-year type of fashion. Thankfully we were able to test Campbell’s blood with my tester and see that he is not a diabetic. First blessing.

Then, this morning we learned that a long-time builder friend of ours is going to purchase and install badly needed new windows on our house (we would not be able to afford this on our own). Wow! What blessings and amazing abundance! God is good!

Here’s the thing: When I am being honest, I want God to be good primarily because of his blessings–not because of who he is. If I had my choice, I would choose a life that includes 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep each night, children who obey my every word, a pedicure twice a month, comfortable finances, and gifts of free windows for my home on a regular basis. There is a part of me that longs for this kind of life, free from any challenges. I won’t go into it here, but these longings are the beginning of a longing for heaven.

It’s tempting to say “God is good!” only when we’ve received recent blessings (and we should be praising God for them). But was God any less good in January when I was diagnosed with breast cancer? Is God still good when children die of malaria and all sorts of terrible tragedies happen daily?

Author Dan Allender discusses this topic in his book, “Bold Love”: “If God’s goodness is looked for primarily in turns of fortune–a car screeches to a halt a few inches from your child, a check comes in the mail at the right moment from an unknown friend, a diagnosis of malignancy is found to be incorrect–then the verdict on His heart toward us will always be pending on the arrival of a new set of facts.”

The fact is that the foundation of God’s goodness is his forgiveness of his wayward children; that he rescued us while we were running away from him in pursuit of our own way. The Lord has brought this truth to me this year, and upon first re-examination (all my basic theology has been tested this year), I was not too thrilled. I want God first to be good because he blesses me, and then I want him also to be good to forgive me. The first seems like a bigger deal than the second. But the reality is that my forgiveness is a FAR BIGGER DEAL. “His goodness shines bright in the light of his redemptive love,” says Allender. I still have a ways to go in realizing my great need of forgiveness for my sin, which is the cancer of my soul.

Is God good because he just gave us these two beautiful blessings? Yes he is! But our recent “fortune” is not the basis for his goodness. God’s sending his son, The Rescuer, to earth to walk the same paths that we do today, to suffer greatly and to offer his life so that we could have a relationship with our Father the way we were created to, and that I can wear Christ’s robe of righteousness on a daily basis–that’s the real reason God is good.

-Sara