Dealing with Fear

A week after Sara was diagnosed with cancer, she woke me in the middle of the night, sobbing and trembling, overcome by fear as she cried out to me: “I don’t want to die!”

The reality of having cancer was bad enough, but uncertainty about the future has been one of her fiercest battles during this journey.

Where can you look, when the present is full of bad news, and the future looks even worse? I think Psalm 77 may have some answers. It was written by Asaph, a man appointed by King David to lead worship before the Ark of the Covenant. He was a performer and a worship leader, he sang and played instruments as a part of his ministry in the tabernacle (1Chr 15)

He was also the composer and publisher of psalms. He wrote 12 psalms himself, and he collected and distributed King David’s music (1 Chr 16:7-37).

So, we have this important man doing “kingdom work” every day of his life. He is close with King David, and his job is to sing, write and play music to the Lord. You might think he’d be a happy man without many problems, right?

Clearly not. Look again at how the psalm opens:

¹ I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.
² When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.

Just like Sara, Asaph was having trouble sleeping at night because of his problems. We don’t know what he is going through, perhaps an illness, or a rebellious teenager. Whatever it is, he is really distraught.

³ I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
⁴ You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.
⁵ I thought about the former days, the years of long ago;
⁶ I remembered my songs in the night. My heart mused and my spirit inquired:
⁷ “Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again?
⁸ Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time?

In his distress and sleepless anxiety, he begins to doubt God. This Levite priest, this man who sings the praises of God each day of his life, he questions whether God can or will help him. “Will the Lord reject me forever?” he wonders. “Is this situation ever going to get better? Has God’s unfailing love vanished forever?” Look at that. Has his unfailing love failed? He acknowledges God’s great character, and doubts it—all in the same breath.

And then he starts to blame himself, and doubt God’s compassion for him.

⁹ Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

Maybe God’s mercy has run out. Or he is too busy and doesn’t notice that I’m suffering down here. Or, maybe God is there, but he won’t help me. He has forgiven me so many times for so many things, maybe I pushed him too far the other day. Maybe he’s dropped me from his list. Maybe it’s all my fault.

Asaph is struggling. Today is confusing him. It’s difficult. And tomorrow is scary. For some people, tomorrow is terrifying, wondering if your child is going to get things right, what the lab results are going to say, or where the next meal is going to come from.

So where can you go when you are overwhelmed with anxiety? A lot of the people I encounter in my work struggle with addictions—alcohol, drugs, bad relationships. Disappointment and anxiety trigger relapses into bad habits. Folks who are addicted to something have a habit of seeking comfort there, so when life gets hard and things don’t go right, that is where they instinctively turn.

Where do you turn? This time, at least, Asaph doesn’t turn to food, alcohol or another false comfort—he looks to the past. Lost in his anxiety, the past is the only concrete thing Asaph can cling to. He begins preaching—to himself.

¹⁰ Then I thought, “To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High.”
¹¹ I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
¹² I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds.

Asaph appeals to “the years of the right hand of the most High.” I love that. He ponders God’s right hand—the hand of action. He thinks about that hand that created the universe, that crafted human beings, that parted the Red Sea. He forces himself to remember what God has done.

Asaph doesn’t understand today, and tomorrow is scary, so he reviews what has happened to God’s people in the past. Notice that in verses 1-9 it’s always I, me and my. He is consumed by his problems and focused on himself. But from verse 10 on, he turns his thoughts from himself to God, and God’s faithfulness to all his people, not just Asaph.

Asaph doesn’t just remember these past events, he meditates on them. To meditate is to contemplate deeply and continuously, to ponder. You may think of a Buddhist monk, sitting cross legged and chanting a mantra. But the purpose of Eastern meditation is to empty your mind, while Godly meditation is filling your mind with the truth of God. True meditation is a spiritual discipline, when you marinate your mind in the Word of God, when you float in His Living Water and let it wash over you. When you do that, the anxiety and fear that consumed you are pushed to the corners of your mind, and put in perspective.

Sara has been devouring scripture like never before, and has said repeatedly that God’s Word is the one thing sustaining her during this trial.

¹² I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds.

Asaph is forcing himself to stop thinking about his present problems, and focus instead on God’s past deeds.

¹³ Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as our God?
¹⁴ You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.
¹⁵ With your mighty arm you redeemed your people, the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

Asaph tells himself about God’s character, and his faithfulness. He preaches the truth to himself.

Preaching to yourself is not whistling in the dark. It isn’t mustering up the courage to get through a tough time, or pretending things aren’t as bad as they are. It isn’t a self-help, and it isn’t just some cliché about God being good and nice. “Oh don’t worry, God will take care of everything.” Oh, good. You’re right. I’ll stop worrying now.

It is more than that. It is intentionally turning your thoughts from your circumstances and pressing concerns, and thinking instead about the character and faithfulness of God. It is meditating on his good works in history, so you can understand the present and future more clearly.

For more on this idea of looking up at Christ instead of down at your circumstances, download Tom Holliday’s sermon from Feb. 24.

Thanks for being with us on this journey. It means more than you know.

-Christopher

Do I have to be so dependent?

To be quite honest, I wish I didn’t have to depend on God so much. One of the reasons I didn’t want to be stage 3 was because I wanted the best odds of being healed by man, rather than depending fully on God for my healing. (I have chosen not to know any of my “odds,” by the way, so please refrain from commenting here about ANY of that. Stage 3, by the way, is curable). But the fact of the matter is that I need him desperately on many fronts: to heal both my body and my sin. For my peace. To battle my fears and to see my situation through the lens of his reality.

I suppose I am being shown God’s reality — that we were created to need him and depend on him fully. I am so accustomed to relying on God AND my gifts and resources. But he has removed everything else and only his mighty hand remains.

The fact of the matter is that God is the sustainer of my life (Psalm 27), and he has determined the number of my days before my life began (Psalm 139). My job is to believe these Truths, not any “truths” about the percentages or odds. If you choose to pray for me, would you please pray that I am enabled to believe what God has said to me and not what my fears say? Also, that I will rest in those promises and surrender to him. When I surrender to him fully, that’s when I find peace. Peace is possible when we allow God to rule areas of our lives. God’s ruling our circumstances and our peace are directly linked.

These battles of the mind are the areas that I fear much more than the tough chemo in the next six months. (Chris has said that he’s more concerned about my heart than my body.) May Christ be victorious in the battle for my mind — and in my body.

Sara

Will God Heal?

A couple of weeks ago, Sara was reading Psalm 103, and asked for my opinion on a verse:

2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits–

3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases

“Can I take this as a promise that God will heal me?” Sara asked. Good question. In our doubt and fear and anxiety, scripture has been a great encouragement. God’s promises mean a lot when everything else is shaking loose. But what to make of Sara’s question?

Particularly challenging for us was the memory of a dear friend, father of two young children, full-time in ministry to college students, cherished by his wife…well, he died of cancer about 3 years ago. If the Lord could take him, why not Sara? And if this young man died, what do we make of “heals all your diseases“? That didn’t seem to hold true in our friend’s case. What do these words mean in Sara’s case?

I’ve come to a few conclusions. First, this psalm was written by David. He had experienced God’s healing when he was very sick. (Psalm 30.) He knew that God was capable of healing. That’s conclusion #1 — with David we follow a God who can heal.

But he doesn’t always heal. David’s first-born died. (2 Samuel 12:13-25) Our friend died. So, why, we ask, does it say God “heals all your diseases“? Here’s an interesting thing I learned: when you find sweeping, grandiose promises like this in the Old Testament, promises that go far beyond human experience or capability, then you are being pointed to Christ. David spoke about God from first-hand knowledge, but he also spoke of things he didn’t fully understand. David wrote of his descendant Jesus who would come to forgive all our sins, and heal all our diseases. Christ’s suffering and victory mean that we will one day live in perfect bodies that will never be sick, will never perish. That’s conclusion #2. Although our friend did not receive physical healing in this life, he now dwells in perfect painless peace forever.

Does Psalm 103 tell us anything about Sara, her cancer and her prognosis? No. It wasn’t written about her. It was written about the God who can, does and will heal. As we face the uncertainty of battling cancer, and are threatened by doubt and fear, God’s Word is providing us with solid rocks of Truth to depend upon.

-Christopher

Stage 3 Cancer? Super!

Praise the Lord!! The PET scan results were negative, which means the cancer is not present in other parts of my body (that does not necessarily mean that there aren’t cancer cells floating around in my body). I am so THRILLED that I am stage 3. It was only 5 days ago, on Sunday, when the Lord and I were wrestling big time about being stage 3. On that day, the idea of being stage 3 was a torment. On that day, I called the Lord mean and cruel.

Only the Lord could turn what I thought was such wretched news into pure joy. The transformation in my heart is unbelievable and God gets all the glory. Today, I call him my deliverer and my protector.

We are greatly rejoicing at the first good news about my cancer in 5-1/2 weeks. To God be the glory!

Psalm 30: 11-12: “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.”

-Sara

PET Results, Chemo Plan

Just returned from the oncologist, and the great news is that the PET scan found no signs of cancer in other parts of Sara’s body. We are delighted, and grateful. Sara will share more about that in a moment.

As a guy, I figure some of you want to know more about the nuts and bolts of treating Sara’s cancer. It’s actually quite amazing the stuff they can do, and how many treatments have been developed very recently.

On March 10, Sara will begin chemotherapy, followed by radiation and two other treatments. Here’s what the plan looks like:

First, 4 treatments of AC chemo occurring every three weeks (12 weeks). This is the kick-your-butt & make you sick chemo.

Next, Taxol & Herceptin every week for 12 weeks. Won’t make her as sick.

Next, daily radiation treatments for 6 weeks.

Next, Herceptin doses every three weeks for 39 weeks.

Next, Tamoxifen pills daily for 5 years.

Thanks for the prayers and encouragement. We are glad to be at the point where we know everything, and can move forward into battle against this thing.

-Christopher

Pathology Results

I have a story to tell before I reveal the results of my pathology report.

It has been an intense battle leading up to today. Being officially staged was a big part of that battle. I have been telling the Lord that I did not want to be stage 3 and we wrestled about that one quite a bit. I have felt that he was preparing me for stage 3 and I have been furious with him about that. I told him he was cruel for that.

I knew the Lord wanted me to trust him completely but I was scared what that would mean. Because he knew that staging was a huge deal to me, I believe he needed to assure me in a special way. Today, the Lord gave me two different assurances that I was going to survive this and that I was going to be healed. One was through Scripture, Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”

The other experience was quite a bit more specific and mind blowing. I am supposed to follow him where he is leading and trust what he is doing. I won’t go into specifics on this blog. But let me be the first to say that I am not a woman who freely “speaks” with the Lord or has direct assurances by Him. I believe that God uses the Scriptures to speak to his children. But the word came with such clarity and certainty and it will likely be the only time I will ever hear such a specific assurance from him.

I feel he is hinting that he is in the process of building a life-long ministry and needs me to go through all of this in order to make me into the woman he wants me to be. Suffering does that, doesn’t it? It has sometimes occurred to me that God is trying to make me into an oak tree. “They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.” Isa 61:3

But I quickly retorted, “I don’t want to be an oak tree! Can’t I be a bush or a nice dogwood tree? Surely you can make a ministry out of that?!”

So, I had to say all of this before revealing my pathology result, which is: I am indeed stage 3. The surgeon removed 3 cancerous masses that added up to 7.5cm. Seventeen lymph nodes were removed, seven of which were cancerous. My diagnosis had been DCIS, but because the bulk of the cancer was invasive, my diagnosis changes to IDC (invasive ductal carcinoma).

I can’t say that I am really “psyched” that he is doing this, but here we are. I know that my work is to believe what he has said and trust him with what he doing. The strength to do this does not lie within me. It is ONLY by God’s strength that I am able to walk one inch of this journey.

Thursday morning we have a PET scan at 8:30am to look for cancer in other parts of the body. This is found 15% of the time. I am feeling confident about remaining Stage 3.

Chemotherapy is likely to begin on Monday, March 10. We’ll get more details on that soon.

I have been overwhelmed by your prayers on my behalf. Today was a bit of a blow but the Lord was so good in ordering it the way he did. He is good and he is with me. To God be the glory!

Love,

Sara

Update from Sara

I am enjoying days with zero responsibility at my parents’ house in Fredericksburg after surgery. What a weird experience compared to life at our house with 3 little kids. I am loving this opportunity to heal in peace and quiet. I am spending my days by reading and watching movies — how delightful!

At the same time, I sometimes feel like the character Much-Afraid in Hannah Hurnard’s “Hinds’ Feet on High Places.” On her journey to the heights, the Good Shepherd picks for her two companions: Sorrow and Suffering. She is bewildered by this and thinks he surely has made a mistake.

“I can’t go with them,” she gasped. “I can’t! I can’t! O my Lord Shepherd, why do you do this to me? How can I travel in their company? It is more than I can bear. You tell me that the mountain way itself is so steep and difficult that I cannot climb it alone. Then why, oh why, must you make Sorrow and Suffering my companions? Couldn’t you have given Joy and Peace to go with me, to strengthen me and encourage me on the difficult way? I never thought you would do this to me.”

I know some of you reading this believe that this cancer is not the will of God. That’s okay — we can disagree and still follow Christ together. I do not join you in that belief. I believe the Lord did allow this for a reason and I intend to learn from it. Through it all, he joins me in my grief, carries me and offers his presence and loving-kindness.

Staying with the theme from “Hinds’ Feet…”, I haven’t yet fully entered the suffering part of this journey with cancer, but I am now well-acquainted with sorrow. Like Much-Afraid, I also would prefer my companions Sorrow and Suffering to flee, yet I believe God has placed them by my side for a purpose. Thankfully, we are not alone. The great Jehovah, Almighty God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, Prince of Peace is with me. This fact makes all the difference. At the beginning of this journey a month ago, I was somewhat startled at verses that say, “Do not be afraid. I am with you.” I thought, “Don’t be afraid — are you kidding me?!” But I believe it is the second part of the verse that sheds light on the first part. The very God spoken of in Psalms 104 and at the end of the book of Job — it is he who walks alongside me and carries me.

Right now what God offers me is his presence. This is God’s A+++++++++++ gift and it is the absolute best that he could offer. I must admit that sometimes I look at that gift and say, “can you give me your presence AND the assurance of my healing?” I want them both at the same time. While I believe that he will very likely heal me using the incredible treatments available today, I long for his 100% assurance of healing as well. But the answer to that question will come later. Right now he offers his presence in the darkness.

Our pastor Tom Holliday recently preached that it is in the darkness that we see the face of God, rather than when we are in the palace. We think we can see him more in the palace. We’d much rather meet him there! But he is more visible to us when we are in darkness and need. Just yesterday, I was discouraged in the morning and asked if I could see God’s face. I received some surprise visitors, 3 very good friends who drove down to Fredericksburg to visit. After they left, my husband Chris surprised me with 3 dozen roses and a Valentine’s gift. I do believe that the Lord showed me his face yesterday in the faces of loved ones. I know he will continue to show me his face in a variety of ways.

Through this cancer ordeal, I have learned dependency on the Lord. I have never needed him like I do right now. I think of the song, “I Need Thee Every Hour,” and it rings true. This is a good place to be.

In Hurnard’s story, Much-Afraid eventually gets a new name. As for me, there are I feel my name is still Much-Afraid. But slowly, God is giving me a new name. Perhaps it is “God Confident” or “Christ is Sufficient” or “Follower of the King.” Whatever my name is to become, God is leading the way, one hour at a time, offering his most precious gift — his presence. For that, I am grateful.

-Sara